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WARNING: this post is long overdue and as such, will be go on forever, read at your own discretion.

The past week has been rough, everything seems to be reminding me of all the different aspects of my past; it feels as though I’m dealing with everything that has happened through out my life all at once and over again; it’s doing my head in.

In the past week I have questioned almost every aspect of my own personality and thoughts towards life; but I can’t seem to justify my old ways of thinking. I know this intro to the blog may sound like I’m down and lost without any means of finding direction; quite the opposite, I think it’s just I’m finally allowing myself to think about the things that have happened over the course of the past six months and I’m hoping it’s for the better.

School. I never really enjoyed or hated going to school, some days were tough, but who doesn’t have a few tough days at school? Looking back, those were some of the best days. I made some friendships that I’ll have or remember for the rest of my life during this time. Eg. Lisa xD I love her tenmuches and I know if I didn’t mention her I’d get a good screaming on facebook! Although I do miss my friendship with Jayne and anyone who has known me long enough has probably just died of shock that I’d admit that. I wish things had been different, some wiser judgements on both parts, but hey that’s life, it sucks, but things have gone so far, what can be done now?

Kirra. Where to start? I wish some things were never said because I saw our friendship lasting forever and I think everyone else did too; I don’t even know what to write or why I’m writing this, all I can say is, thank you, even after everything, I’ll never forget the times spent together, both the good and bad times we went through together, all the inside jokes and quotes we have; like the awkward moments when we’d be sitting at the kitchen table in stiches and everyone else would just sit with a puzzled look on their face. The things we got up when our parents weren’t watching, like almost dying of hyperthermia and/or drowning in my bathtub that night, or the drain I still to this day won’t stand on unless it’s covered by the floor towel. All these fucking things I can’t get out of my mind that make me feel sad because they’ll never happen again, but yet still make me smile and want to laugh at how ridiculous and stupid they are. Listening to word of mouth, I’m sorry if I ever made you do things you didn’t want to; I was under the impression that we were having fun and both having a say in what we were doing, that is presumably wrong and if your reading this, I’m sorry.

Ivana. I’m not going into this one; she has everything I wanted to say already written in writing. One thing I will say, I do miss her and the spontaneous nights and I feel weird sometimes when I still go to call her because it’s what’s been the normal for me for so long now, but I doubt this friendship will ever return, nor at the moment do I want it to be honest, I just wish the awkwardness and the constant silences would end, but time should mend all that.

One thing I want to say on this topic, which I have been meaning to write down for a good time is all the drama that has apparently been going on between myself and the “TWK”. Although I don’t know where the extent of all the gossip has gone to because I took myself out of the situation and quite frankly, ignored it. I want to publicly say; you guys got the wrong end of the stick. Things mentioned in previous blogs which people love bringing up, weren’t aimed at anyone in the TWK and the people who it was aimed at know who they are because I personally messaged them. Funny hey, how they never spoke up and told everyone else that it wasn’t aimed at the entire group? Yet, they just stood by and allowed divides to be created. The things said by these guys that will remain nameless was harsh towards Ivana, even though I don’t speak to her, I will still defend that they should pick a side and stick to it, gossiping behind peoples back just starts more drama when it comes out. Case and point; although it fell on me. Now that I have said that, I’m not expecting messages or anything really from anyone, I just wanted to finally say my peace and finally get this message out. On saying that, if people want to talk, you know how to contact me and I always up for a chat when I’m free.

I think I’m finally coming to terms with where I’m at. It’s been a major smack in the face that things will never be the way they were and I have been holding on to that expectation that things will magically go back to some form of normal if there is such a thing. The people who have stuck by me through thick and thin, I am indebted to forever and I no longer feel the longing to depend on them or anyone else for that matter. I found a new found inner strength to just deal with things on the spot like I used to; which I was always known as a bitch for. I don’t need people around me 24/7 to keep my mind occupied away from things that will get me down. It’s time for me to regain my sanity. I will no longer define myself or judge myself on the material objects that I own, it’s to draining to always be wearing the more expensive clothes, to have my hair sitting perfectly and act like I didn’t spend hours getting it the way it looks. I think I have just finally accepted the way my life has worked out and I am okay with it, honestly, I’m still alive aren’t I? Just because things have changed, I’m not going to dwell.

My fingers are exhausted and so is my mind; so I’m leaving this blog and going to simply say, the bitch is back. xD

__xoxo.
Matthew Dragoslav.